random reflection

i wanted to write down a bunch of thoughts and musings from my experience so far. the past few months at the high school, being part of the pilot program, have been overwhelming, at best. that's not to say that it hasn't been a good experience, but it definitely hasn't been easy. i've realized a lot of things about myself, namely that i'm a perfectionist in a vocation of mistakes.

one of the most uncomfortable feelings, one that i've wrestled with and struggled to rectify in my mind, is the feeling of failure. teaching is more like hockey than i though - a game of mistakes. going into this semester i had this idea that i'd be a really great teacher and that teaching is not that hard. well, i was wrong. i'm not a really great teacher - not yet. i know i have the potential to be one, and how good of a teacher i am will be directly related to experience and dedication.

going into a classroom for the first time was nerve-wracking. i didn't realize how nervous i'd be until i got there and was standing in front of the kids. i wasn't nervous because i felt awkward about having all those eyes on me, i felt nervous about whether my planning was adequate and nervous about using more than one instructional strategy and how that would go. i know the material, really well, but how do i present it for a group of grade 9 students? things like banking, savings, budgeting, business content in general... it seems like common sense to me. it's hard to break it down into small enough pieces that it's suitable for grade 9 students. that's another one of the great challenges for me as a teacher. i've studied business for so long that it seems obvious, but i need to remember that many of these students don't know any of this and that i need to make the content suitable for the level they're at.

i know that i want to use multiple and varied instructional strategies as a teacher, but i think it's unrealistic to try and do this right off the bat. whereas the first week of teaching the PAA rotation, i was really caught up with trying to use multiple strategies, this next time i'm going to keep it simpler. i'm going to allow it to be more about me so that i can feel more comfortable with what is planned. if it's a bit more direct instruction or even a bit boring, i can deal with that. i need to take baby steps!

during spring break last week, i came to a new realization of just what a perfectionist i am. and how that can either be an asset to me as a professional, or it can destroy me. i think the next step in my journey is to figure out how to exist in a world where i don't do things perfectly, i allow myself room for error, room to fail, but i'm continually striving to get better at the same time!